The English Renaissance

1533   Her most excellente Royal Highness, Our goode Majesty Elizabeth Tudor - Queene Bess, the virgin Queene is borne to Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn. She is the laste English monarch to be of fulle English bloode. She doth be loved by oure people like none before and none after.

1536    Michaelangelo beginneth his painting of the Laste Judgement in the Sistine Chapel.

My Lords: The laws of nature move me to sorrowe for my sister; the burden that has fallen upon me maketh me amazed; and yet, considering I am God's creature ordained to obey His appointment, I wille thereto yield; desiring from the bottom of my heart that I may have assistance of His grace to be the minister of His heavenly wille in the office now committed to me. And as I am but one body materially considered, though by His permission a body politic to governe, so shalle I desire you all, my lords, chiefly you of the nobility, every one in his degree and power, to be assistant to me; that I with my ruling, and you with your service, may make a goode account to Almighty God, and leave some comfort to our posteritie on earthe.

Our goode Bess doth be well knowne for her sharpe wit and lykable humor. On one occasion Edward de Vere, the Earle of Oxford, making his low obeisance to Queen Elizabeth happened to let a fart, at whych he was so abashed and ashamed that he went to travell, 7 yeares. On his returne the Queen welcomed him home saying, "My Lord, I had forgot the fart."

Elizabeth had a greate love of fyne clothes and jewelry. A holy Bishop once did chide her concerning the vain jewelry she woulde wear upon her armes and fyngers, inn her hair, arounde her neck, and upon her head and clothes. Her reply to the goode Bishop were one of kindly advice: "Take care that thou speakest not againe to me on this subject, My Lord, lest thou shouldst reache heaven aforetimes."

1539   DeSoto leaveth Spain to search for the fabulous Fountaine of Youth, which, then as now, doth be rumoured to be in the lande of Florida. Here he wandereth for many yeares.

1543   In Polande, in the yeare of his death, one Nikolai Copernicus publisheth his booke "De Revolutionibus". Thys treatise of observation and mathematics expoundeth the theorie that the Sunne and not oure Earth be the centere of oure celestial systeme.

1485   Our usurping King, Richard III doth fight for his life on Bosworth fielde. His immortal wordes "A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse." do goe unanswered and his kingdom is lost indeede. The victor is oure goode Lord Henry Tudor, Earle of Richmond, grandfather of Elizabeth. Henry were of Lancaster bloode and his wife, goode Elizabeth, of York. His coronation as Henry VII endeth the Wars of Roses and beginneth the Tudor dynastie; and he adopteth the combined red and white rose for the house of Tudor.

Once an ambassador did compliment Elizabeth on her mastery of many languages. She returneth unto him "It were no great marvelle sir, to teach a woman to talk. It were far harder to teach her to hold her tongue."

1497   Oure King Henry VII sendeth one John Cabot to fynd a Northern route across the Atlantic. Cabot discovereth Newfoundland and exploreth the New world's east coaste from Labrador to Delaware, thereby sowing the first seedes of English Imperialism.

1582   The Gregorian calandar doth be promulgated in Catholic countries by Pope Gregory. He causeth October 15 of this yeare to be the daye following October 4. This correcteth errors which had accumulated with the Julian calandar since the tyme of Julius Caesar.

1596   Sir John Harrington inventeth the flush toilet, thus wresting for his owne fyrst name a peculiar place in the English language.

1519   Charles V of Spaine sendeth one Hernando Cortez to the New Worlde to conquer Montezuma and the infydel Aztecs.

Our Elizabeth doth study historie each daye, and composeth poetrie and music. She claimeth truelie to have reade as many bookes as any prince in Christendom. She speaketh French and Italian fluently. Her Latin is lyke unto that of a Bishop, and with the Greek language she also hath mervellous facilitie. She taketh greate joy in reading Sophocles and in translating Euripides.

This goode Queen hath caused more than an hundrede grammer schooles to bee openned in England for the benefyt of her people.

The Pope hath excommunicated oure Queene and hath forbydden Englishmen to "obey her monitions, mandates and laws".

Elizabeth doth love to dance and hunt. She drinketh nor eateth not to excesse. She spitteth whene're she pleaseth; and doth be well knowne to sware like a pirate upon God's teeth, His hooks, and bodkin, and upon other common parts of His anatomie. Her dresse be riche and varied, and she were knowne to possess some more than 2000 richly made and costlie gownes.

1527   Charles V, Holy Roman Emperor, sacketh the city of Rome, and his armie holdeth the Pope in virtual captivitie. Charles suggesteth to the Pope that he not annul the marriage of Charles' barren aunte Catherine of Aragon to oure desperat King Henry VIII. Though annulments be not that uncommon, the captive Pope taketh this forceful suggestion into carefull consideration, as it were; resulting in Henry rejecting the Pope and stearting the Churche of England.

The Englishwoman taketh much pride in her presentation and spendeth much tyme and monies upon her appearance. Heavy makeup and whiteface do be quite populare.

It is sayd that "A Spanish Galleon be sooner rigged than an English woman." "She spendeth a good part of the day tricking and trimming, pricking and prinning, pranking and pouncing, girding and lacing, and braving herselfe up inn moste exquisite manner."

Englishmen do favor brighte coloured clothing, with lace and frille. Fashiones, lyke those inn moste of Europe, do emulate the fashiones of Spaine.

1564   William Shakespeare were borne at Stratford on Avon.

1565   Our Captain John Hawkins and his goode nephew Francis Drake, transporting a treasure of £120,000, do be robbed off the coaste of America by a Spanishe Fleet.

Inn her cunning politic, oure Queene doth be slow to actione. She waiteth allways for her opponent to move, and move againne. Her personal motto doth be: Video et Taceo, "I see and I am silente."

She is said by foryne emmisaries to be the "ablest liar of the age".

The Spanish ambassador sayeth "This woman is possessed with a hundrede thousand divils, yet she pretendeth to me that she woulde like to be a nun, live in a cell, & tell her beads from morning unto nighte."

Pope Sixtus V himselfe hath said of her "She would be worth a whole worlde if she were not a heretic."

The French ambassador hath complained that she answereth not the marriage proposal of King Francis. He sayth "The world were made in 6 days and already she has spent 80 days and it is yet undecided." To him she hath replied "The world were made by a far greater artiste than myselfe."

It is said that she recommendeth a woman to be "as a lady at courte, and a whore i' the bedroom."

Yeare by yeare, her reign doth strengthen England and English folk; turning this Isle from a poore and unrespected state to a greate lande at the thresholde of empire. Were it not for her greatness, England shoulde certainly remain in historie a smalle and insignificant natione, watching the alle-powerfull Spaine rule the seas, colonize the entyre new worlde, and establish thereby the moste powerful empire since the falle of Rome.

In 1533, the year of our good queen's birth, thys Spanish explorer did capture Atahualpa, the heathen king of Peru, and asked a roome of gold for his ransome. In but a few dayes, had they fylled the roome with gold. Pizzaro, sensing opportunitie at hande, revised his demande to two roomes of gold. When the seconde roome was filled, Pizzaro killed thys king for whom he had no further use. Some time later, these Peruvians, having surprised Pizzaro and his goode men in the forest, remembered his greate thyrst for gold. These then did heat up gold for hym, and poured it downe his poore Spanish throat. It is for his conquest of Peru and this drynking of gold that Pizzaro were best remembered.

In 1563 Goode Roger Ascham, tutor of our Queene speaketh out againste the popular custome of sending younge men to Italy for completing theyr education. Travele to Italy "be mervelous dangerous. Vertue once made that countrie mistress over all the worlde. Vice now maketh that countrie slave to them that before were glad to serve it. I know diverse that went out of England, men of innocent life, men of excellent learnyng, who returned out of Italie neither so willing to live orderly, nor yet so liable to speak learnedly as they were at home before. I was once in Italie myself, but I thanke God my abode there was but nine days. And yet I saw in that litle tyme, in one Citie, more libertie to sinne, than ever I heard tell of in our noble Citie of London in nine years."

1565   In this yeare does our goode Captain Hawkins bringe to England the fyrst Tobacco, an Indian weed.

1553   "The Merchant Adventurers", the fyrst companie financed through the sale of stock shares, doth be started in England for trading wyth Russia. 240 shares are solde at £125 eache.

1562   Queene Elizabeth contracteth smallpox & thereby looseth her hair. She beginneth to weare wigs and thusly doth set a newe fashion for women to weare wigs, which some do say shall endure far into the future.

1571   The greate naval battle of Lepanto stoppeth the unstoppable Moorish Empire of the Easte. The heroic Christian fleet doth be led by Don Juan, bastard brother to King Phillip II of Spaine. Had thys key battle gonne the other waye the historie of Western Europe would likely have been wrytten in Arabic.

1577   Francis Drake with four small ships doth sail secretly to the west coaste of the Americas. Upon arrival he plundereth the unsuspecting treasure ships of Spaine. The Pope had given to Spaine thys territorie, and had forbid commerce here to other Europeans. For thys, the Spanish treasure shipps on America's west coaste were mostly unarmed and unafraide. Drake returneth to England, circumnavigating the globe, with £600,000. Of this he giveth £275,000 to our goode Queene. Thereupon she accepteth an invitation to dine with him upon the Golden Hinde, his shippe. She knighteth him and then calleth him "Sir Francis Drake, the greatest seaman and pirate of the age".

One Spainish shippe, which carried the greatest treasure in the Americas had upon it many cannon; and for these unusual arms, twas known as the Spitfire, or `Cacafuego' as it were called in Spaine. Goode Sir Francis came searching the west coast of Central America for this legendary shippe. A thousand pounds of sylver gave he to the man who sighted her first upon the horizon. Not wishing to engage in cannon-play, Drake trickd this Spanish crew by an olde pirates sham. Many bottels of water he tied to a rope and draggd behind his shippe. Thus, under fulle saile the Golden Hinde moved slowly indeede, appearing to be a heavy laden merchantman. The naive Spanishe sailed up to Drake and hailed him. "Lay by and furl thy sailes, blackguards of Spaine!" quoth Drake. Thereapon his sailors stood and fyred one round of muskets. These unready rags of Rome had but little choyce, and did thereby surrender to Drake, a shippe of silver and emeralds, being one of the worldes greatest treasures.

1585   Sir Walter Raleigh foundeth an English colony in the new worlde, naming it Virginia in honor of Elizabeth, oure virgin queene.

1587   The fyrst life insurance policy doth be wrytten this yeare.

1587   Pope Sixtus V plegeth to Phillip of Spaine £600,000 if Spaine wille invade England soe that Protestantism may be destroyed and Catholicism restored in this lande.

1587   Sir Francis Drake, in his own words, "singeth the bearde of the King of Spain." Phillip hath been building warships and amassing supplies for a greate armada to attack England. Our goode Drake saileth to Cadiz harbor and set to torche fulle 65 Spanish shipps of war. By his goodly hande much provision layed up by Spaine is also loste. It doth be proclaimed in the Spanish courte that "except that he be a Lutheran, there be not another man in the worlde as lyke Drake".

1588   The Spanish Armada saileth for England. The greatest armada in naval historie doth be destroyed by English sailors and pirates. Spaine's controll of the seas is loste. The Pope refuseth to pay Spaine his £600,000 share of the adventure, for quoth he: England were not truely "invaded".

Queene Bess loved her people welle and was in turn welle loved by them. In her famous Golden Speeche she declared: "There is noe jewel, be it of never so rych a price, which I prefer before your love, for I do esteem it more than any treasure. And though God has raised us high, yet this I count the glory of my crowne, that I have reigned with your loves... And though you have had, and may have, many mightier and wiser princes sitting in this seat, yet you never had, nor shall have, any love you better."

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